Dealing with Relational Aggression
Remember the movie “Mean Girls”? Even though this movie was released almost 20 years ago, there’s a reason why it continues to be popular even to this day. This movie illustrates a type of bullying called “relational aggression”. Throughout development, friendships are so important for different developmental areas, and this type of bullying can negatively affect building friendships and relationships, and have other long-term impacts.
What is “relational aggression”?
Relational aggression is defined as ‘behaviors that harm others through damage (or the threat of damage) to relationships or feelings of acceptance, friendship or group inclusion’ (Crick et al. 1999, 77). This can look like:
Backstabbing
Exclusion
Cyberbullying
Intimidation
Gossiping or rumors
Put-downs
Forming cliques
Conditional friendships (Ex: “If you don’t do _____, then we can’t be friends.”)
Silent treatment
This type of bullying can be difficult to spot because it is more subtle compared to physical or verbal aggression. Social media has also made this type of bullying more complicated because parents and teachers do not always have access to what is being done or said through texting or social media apps.
You are not alone…
Relational aggression is unfortunately quite common. Although it research shows it has a higher prevalence rate with girls, it is seen across all genders and with a wide range of ages, even adults! According to a recent news article:
“Almost one in five girls ages 12 to 18 said they have been the subject of rumors, according to the National Center for Education Statistics. Nearly one in 10 said they’ve been purposefully left out of activities. And a 2011 survey of students in grades 3-8 found that as many as 48% of girls and 42% of boys reported experiencing social bullying in the past 30 days.”
What are the warning signs and mental health concerns?
Relational aggression can be linked with some of these symptoms or mental health struggles such as:
Anxiety
Depression
Low self-esteem
Self-injurious behaviors
School avoidance
Suicidal thoughts
Isolation
Complaints of feeling sick
When experiencing this type of bullying over an extended period of time can lead to worsening symptoms. Even the idea of reporting it can feel impossible because of the fear that the bullying will increase.
What can parents do?
Talk to your child or teen
Communicate with your child or teen about their friendships and relationships with openness and curiosity. If you hear or notice something concerning, check in with them. Pay attention to any concerning signs like the ones listed above. I also have a FREE friend map packet where your child or teen can draw a visual of their friendships and answer questions, and you can learn and understand their relationships.
Monitor phone and social media usage
It is ok for parents to monitor their child’s or teen’s phone usage, what they are saying to others, and how they are conducting themselves through social media. Know the parental controls for their phone and different apps. It is a necessary skill to be learned, and as they demonstrate appropriate interactions with peers on social media, further privileges can be earned. Be transparent about what a screen time plan looks like.
Role play scenarios
Help your child or teen learn what to say if they experience relational aggression. Teach them about this type of bullying and what to watch out for. By giving them tools and strategies, you are empowering them to navigate difficult relationships if or when they show up.
Be mindful of your response
In my experience, I tell parents not to respond reactively. This can cause your child to shut down or no longer come to you with these problems. Confronting the other peer’s parents rarely goes well either, and can even lead to more bullying. Instead, ask your child questions such as “What would help you feel better?” or “What can you do or say next time?”. You can also connect with their teacher or school counselor to make the school aware of the situation.
Resources
National Bulling Prevention Center
Bullyology: Relational Aggression Video
Choosing Therapy a site focused on relational aggression and support from therapists
Works Cited
Crick, N. R., N. E. Werner, J. F. Casas, K. M. O’Brien, D. A. Nelson, J. K. Grotpeter, and K. Markon. 1999. “Childhood Aggression and Gender: A New Look at an Old Problem.” In The Nebraska Symposium on Motivation, edited by D. Bernstein, 75–141. Lincoln: University of Nebraska Press.