5 Skills to Help You Regulate Your EmotionsWhen Your Child is Dysregulated

Written by Kayla Estenson Williams, LMFT

Being a parent is undoubtedly one of the most rewarding and challenging experiences in life. Children can be dysregulated for several different reasons—they may struggle with understanding or regulating their emotions due to anxiety, attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), or just from normal human experiences. Parenthood brings its fair share of stressors, and seeing our children struggle with emotion regulation is a significant one.

Understandably, we tend to feel dysregulated when our kid is struggling. We may feel overstimulated or unsure of what to do. We may want to take away our child’s discomfort while also getting hard on ourselves that this dysregulation happened in the first place. The best thing that we can do for our child and ourselves in these moments is to work to regulate our own emotional experience first.

When we regulate, we can be more present and support our children in practicing the very same skills. When we take the time to take care of ourselves, we set ourselves up to be able to be more present as a parent! This has the short-term benefit of helping us get through the dysregulation as well as the long-term benefit of building a foundation of emotion regulation skills for ourselves and our children.

Here are five essential skills for emotion regulation for parents:

1. Emotional Awareness

Being aware of your own emotions is the first step in regulating yourself during your child’s dysregulation. Recognize the signs of stress, frustration, or impatience within yourself and acknowledge that it is normal to experience these emotions. Take a pause, a few deep breaths, and permit yourself to feel whatever arises. By acknowledging and accepting your emotions, you can respond to your child from a place of calm and understanding.

Many of us were taught to not be present with our emotions, so this can feel uncomfortable and confusing at times. Here are a few things that I find helpful in practicing emotional awareness:

• Observe Your Physical Sensations

  • Our body often communicates to us what we are feeling even if our mind isn’t aware of it. Take a moment to notice what you feel in your body. Tune into any tension that you feel, what your breathing feels like, what your heart rate is doing, and any other sensations that pop out for you. Over time, this will help you more quickly identify when you are feeling dysregulated.

• Observe Your Thoughts

  • An important reminder: your thoughts are not facts! We often interpret our thoughts as if they are facts, yet, they are just informing us how we perceive a situation. Tuning into what thoughts and opinions we have about ourselves, our children, or a situation can give us a good idea of what emotions we are feeling. This can also let us know what harsh self-expectations we may want to work on challenging over time.

• Observe Your Urges

  • The urges we have in a situation, regardless of whether we would act on them or not, let us know what we are feeling. In moments of dysregulation, we may have the urge to yell, leave the house, criticize our partner or child, or isolate ourselves. Tune into what urges show up to gain more information on what emotion you are feeling. Remember, you do not control your urges, so you do not need to feel guilty about having an urge that is unskillful. Instead, you can feel proud of yourself for slowing down and tuning into your urges so that you can make a choice that feels most supportive in the situation.

2. Take the Space You Need

Our natural inclination might be to intervene and try to help our child get regulated. Yet, we might have a hard time helping our child get grounded when we aren’t grounded ourselves. When we can ensure that our child will be safe for a few minutes, taking a moment to ourselves should be on our list for regulating our emotions. By taking a few minutes to check in, separate from the moment, and do what we need to regulate is going to make all the difference when we come back to help our child.

Sometimes this means tapping out with a partner or supportive caregiver. Talk with your support network to create a game plan for this. When you are feeling emotionally spent, this is a great time for a more refreshed caregiver to jump in for a bit. Even if it is just for 5-10 minutes so that we can practice the skills we need to regulate, taking that space can be worth it.

This can often be a difficult skill for parents to practice, so here are a few reminders that might help:

• You don’t have to do it all

  • Sometimes as a parent, we can set unrealistic expectations for ourselves. We can expect ourselves to be the perfect parent, which may include feeling we need to regulate our child’s emotions immediately. Not only can we not be perfect in our parenting because we are human, but striving to do so will probably just make us feel more dysregulated. Working to be more realistic and flexible in our parenting expectations is an important practice here.

• It’s okay to need help

  • Part of this “perfect parent” expectation we put on ourselves leaves us feeling like we have to be able to do it all on our own. But, that’s just not how humans were designed. While it is often a challenge to have a support system around when you need it, leaning on your support people when that’s an option is not only okay—but it’s healthy!

• By practicing regulation skills, you are teaching your child regulation skills

  • While we might feel selfish by stepping back for a few minutes to regulate—we are modeling skillful behavior! Our child gets to see it is normal and healthy to allow space for emotions and connect to practices that help us feel grounded. As you continue modeling this behavior, your child may even be up for joining you in practicing regulation skills so you can co-regulate together!

3. Deep Breathing Techniques

Connecting to and slowing down the breath is one of the best things that you can do to regulate your emotions. Slowing down the breath, especially the exhale, will help you get out of “fight or flight mode” so that you can have a regulated nervous system while you support your child. If this is a new practice for you, start with what feels comfortable and build up from there. As with any new skill you are practicing, you don’t have to do it perfectly! Here are a few breathing exercises to start with:

• Mindful Breathing

  • Here, just observe the breath. There is no need to control it, just to tune into it. Notice the natural pacing of your inhales and exhales, notice where in your body you feel the breath flowing, and be present with the sensations of your breath. This will naturally allow your breath to slow down and deepen, but if not—no worries! This is a great initial practice to get acquainted with the breath and work towards it being a tool for regulation.

• Paced Breathing

  • In paced breathing, we work to bring our inhales and exhales to an even duration, or try to make the exhale longer than the inhale. Start by being mindful of the breath, and as it feels comfortable bring your inhales and exhales to the same count. If it feels good in your body, lengthen the exhale by 1-2 counts longer than the inhale. This slow exhale will help to regulate your nervous system even more.

• Square Breathing

  • When you’re feeling ready, you can work to add in some pauses in between the inhales and exhales by practicing square breathing (also known as box breathing). First, start with some even-paced breathing. As it feels comfortable in your body, add a short pause after each inhale and exhale. The pause can be shorter than each breath or the same length as each inhale/exhale. For example: inhale to a count of 4—pause for 4—exhale to a count of 4—pause for 4. You can imagine that each component of the breath is a line of a square. Again, don’t get caught up in trying to do this perfectly. Any form of practice helps!

4. Cold Exposure

You may have heard of the term “cold exposure” or “cold immersion” as it is rising as a nervous system regulation skill—for good reason! You can practice this by placing an ice pack over the eyes and nose area of your face, dunking your face in a bowl of cold water, or taking a cold shower.

When we practice cold exposure, the processes in our body that get elevated due to a stress response are cued in to come down. Our heart rate decreases, our breathing slows, and we are often able to think a bit more clearly. This can be a great skill to practice while you also connect to some deep breathing exercises for a few minutes.

5. Listen to a Guided Meditation

Sometimes when we are in a moment of stress, we need someone else to guide us through it. Listening to someone else guide us through some deep breaths, emotional awareness, and a moment of pause can have a significant impact. When you are not in a moment of overwhelm, find some guided meditations that you like and save them somewhere accessible. There are many free meditations online as well as different mindfulness apps. For some free guided meditations from a fellow parent who gets it, you can check out my Ground and Grow podcast which includes several different meditations.

If you’re feeling stuck with these skills, know that you don’t have to do it alone. Parenthood is hard! It makes sense to struggle when your child is dysregulated while also trying to connect to your emotion regulation skills. We live in a chaotic world that often discourages space and resources that support our mental health.

Working with a therapist who specializes in supporting parents can also be a game-changer. Not only will they help you to learn and practice these skills, but they will also help you to be more gentle with yourself in the process. Just like practicing emotion regulation skills is a great way to model skillful choices for our children—so is therapy! Seeking support when you need it is one of the most helpful things you can do for yourself and your family in parenthood.

About the Author:

Hey there, I’m Kayla! I am a fellow Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist here in Minnesota. I run a small private practice, Minnesota Attachment Collective, where we specialize in trauma, fertility challenges, pregnancy and postpartum, and parenthood. You can learn more about my practice here, as well as can access some of my other self-paced online resources here!

It’s an honor to write a guest blog post for Bridget Mozina at Grow and Thrive Therapy! Bridget is a wealth of knowledge and support for children, teens, as well as parents. You can learn all about her and her therapy services in Minnesota here!